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  #221  
Old 05-05-2012, 06:39 PM
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Baby's First Doctor Visit

A N. Carolina woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.
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  #222  
Old 05-31-2012, 10:17 PM
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A long-married husband & wife were watching tv when a cooking show came on. The wife expressed her delight, and her husband began to rant: "For years you've been watching these cooking shows! You buy & watch cooking videos! You read cooking blogs! You've invested hours & hours in watching cooking shows! And after all these years, you still can't cook!''

The wife sat looked at her husband, sat back & crossed her arms, and replied, "And all these years you've watched those porn movies..."



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  #223  
Old 06-06-2012, 04:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Red Rider View Post
A long-married husband & wife were watching tv when a cooking show came on. The wife expressed her delight, and her husband began to rant: "For years you've been watching these cooking shows! You buy & watch cooking videos! You read cooking blogs! You've invested hours & hours in watching cooking shows! And after all these years, you still can't cook!''

The wife sat looked at her husband, sat back & crossed her arms, and replied, "And all these years you've watched those porn movies..."



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  #224  
Old 08-26-2012, 05:11 PM
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HOW YODELING BEGAN

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said , 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out. ....


''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''
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  #225  
Old 08-26-2012, 05:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Shifty View Post
HOW YODELING BEGAN

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said , 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out. ....


''LAIDTHEOLADEETOO''


That's great!
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  #226  
Old 09-16-2012, 10:56 AM
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A female golfer runs into the pro shop in a panic and says to the golf pro: "You've got to help me! I've been stung by a bee!"

The golf pro calmly replies: "Ma'am, settle down, and tell me exactly where this happened."

The lady, still in a tizzy, says: "Right between the first and second hole!"

The golf pro, grabbing a club off the rack to demonstrate, responds eagerly: "There's your problem! Your stance is too wide!"
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  #227  
Old 09-16-2012, 10:57 AM
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So this mailman is retiring and its his last day delivering the mail. He walks up to the home of this beautiful woman on his route and drops off the mail and says goodby and she says, "wait a minute, its your last day and I wanted to express my appreciation for your years of service, why don't you come in and have lunch?" and he figures he won't get fired so why not and goes in and enjoys this incredible gourmet meal. then, as he gets up to leave, she says, "would you like to go upstairs and have sex?" And so he goes upstairs and she screws his brains out. And on his way out, she says, "wait!, one more thing" and she hands him a dollar.

Well he is mighty puzzled as he walks back toward the sidewalk and decides to ask her what that was all about. So he rings the doorbell and says, "lady, you just made me an amazing lunch, screwed my brains out and then give me a dollar, I don't understand."

So she responds, "well I was talking to my husband the other day and I said to him, "the mailman is retiring maybe we should do something nice for him" and my husband said, "screw the mailman, give him a dollar" , then she proudly exclaimed but lunch was my idea.
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  #228  
Old 09-20-2012, 09:16 AM
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O.M.G.

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I feel like the blonde who walked into a building: You'd think I would've seen it.
"The only real stumbling block is fear of failure...." - Julia Child
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  #229  
Old 12-02-2012, 05:33 PM
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Mom is cleaning little 8 y.o. Jimmy's room and she finds an Sado/Maso magazine. She waits till Dad gets home from work and asks what they should do about it. Dad thinks for a few moments and says :"Well, I don't think we should spank him"
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  #230  
Old 12-03-2012, 02:32 PM
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."
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